Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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