you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
