It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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