I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
