you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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