No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
