My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
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Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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