You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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