How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
