I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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