why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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