My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I want a musical about memes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize