Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
