she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
