there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Who did Billy Mays play for?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
