i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
