if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
