You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
