I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
