My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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