lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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