Plan B is the new Plan A
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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