dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
