Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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