our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
