Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
