The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
