when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
