Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
