i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
