When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
