did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
