Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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