Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
