I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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