8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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