Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
