i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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