Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
