i already hear my dad disowning me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
