that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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