Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
