walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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