I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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