the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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