Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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