News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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