It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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