Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
