last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
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