shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
