you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
