So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
