What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
