We won't sleep together?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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