fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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