based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
