I wish I only lived at night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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